Co-Parenting Article by Dr. Susan Rempel

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Co-Parenting Articles

A Top Ten" List For Promoting A Child's Adjustment To Divorce

 By Susan C. Rempel, Ph.D.

    Parents often do not recognize how their behavior impacts their child’s adjustment to divorce.  Although experts do not necessarily agree as to the precise impact that divorce has on children[i], children are undeniably affected by the way their family is restructured and the post-separation communication patterns of their parents. Parents should be aware that the choices they make would influence their child’s adjustment to divorce. 

    The following is a "top ten" list which the author has presented to parents at the "Parents And Children Together" program of the Los Angeles Superior Court (Northwest and Central Districts).

are more likely to have children  that demonstrate problems which are typically seen in children who are treated  for emotional and behavioral disturbances than  families who  have  agreed upon custodial arrangements.[The  message  to parents  is  clear: do not assume that children  are  unaware  or unaffected by ongoing conflict within the family. 

2.  Do  not  involve  the  children  in  parental  conflict.  Parents  often behave in ways which involve children in  familial conflict.  This  includes  the  use  of  children  to   messenger information  to  the other parent. This pattern  may  begin  with brief messages such as: "Tell your mother to pick you up at  5:30 instead  of  6:00." However, the complexity and  content  of  the messages  often  expand.  Children  are  sometimes  expected   to remember  messages  which  would be difficult  for  an  adult  to accurately  recall and report without notes. Parents may  not  be aware  that children remember and articulate messages based  upon their cognitive abilities.[Therefore, the message which is  sent by  one  parent  is often far different from  the  one  which  is received by the other parent. Parents also sometimes send  checks and documents to the other parent in the child's school  backpack or  suitcase. Important items may be lost or damaged because  the child does not place the same level of importance on the item  as does  the parent. Parents should mail the check, fax the  letter, or   hand 

deliver items such as the school  pictures,  but  only under rare circumstances should a child  be expected to serve  as an intermediary or messenger.

Perhaps  the most damaging manner in which  parents  involve children in  familial  conflict  is  attempting  to  elicit   a preference  from  the child as to where he or she would  like  to primarily  reside. The author has found that the actual  response to this question is that many children would like the parents  to live  in  the same home or next door to  one  another.   Children generally want to have a relationship with both parents.   Asking them  to voice a preference for either parent is akin  to  asking which of the child's arms or legs he or she could do without.

    3. Separate marital from parental issues. A  key task for parents following separation is to learn  to differentiate   the  issues  that  are  related  to   the   adult  relationship  from  those that are related to being a  parent.  A successful coparenting relationship is to the child's benefit.[A parent who is able to positively adjust following separation will be  better equipped to help the child adapt to  the  restructured family.  Amato  commented  that "Almost  all  studies  show  that children are better adjusted when the custodial parent is in good mental health and displays good child-rearing skills."[ 

There  are  many ways that parents can involve  children  in their  anger toward  the other  adult.  Parents  will  sometimes undermine  the other parent's authority as a parent. Examples  of such behavior include refusing to continue with discipline  which is imposed by the other parent, deviating from agreed upon rules, or dismissing the other parent's parenting practices.  This sends the message to children that authority figures are arbitrary  and it  is  therefore  unnecessary to adhere to  accepted  norms  and rules.

    4.  Develop  a  pattern  which  facilitates  resolution   of differences with the other parent. Children benefit when  parents are able to resolve their differences of opinion without engaging in conflict.  Camara and Resnick found that a child's  adjustment to  divorce  is related to the level of cooperation  between  the parents.  Numerous  studies have documented the  advantages  of resolving  child custody issues in mediation.[ The author  has found  that  families  benefit  from  a  mediation  process  that addresses  not  only the timesharing plan,  but  establishes  the terms  of  the coparenting relationship, and  teaches  parents  a means by which to resolve future differences of opinion.

There are several factors which set the tone for preventing, minimizing,  and resolving the parents' differences  of  opinion. Parents should establish a structured timesharing plan.  Although there  should be room for flexibility in such plans, parents  and children  experience  lower tension levels when there is  a  plan which  clarifies  what, when, and how things will be  done.  When schedules  must  be change, the other parent should be  given  as much  advance notice as possible. A request to alter the time  of exchange  by  several  hours  will  generally  be  responded   to differently if  the request is made two weeks  rather  than  two hours  in  advance. Flexibility and cooperation are  more  likely responses  if some justification is given for requested  schedule changes.

When differences of opinion arise between parents, there are a wide variety of approaches available for reaching a resolution. Prior  to discussing any area of conflict, a parent  must  decide not to react immediately to the other parent's statements. Unlike negotiating  with  a business associate, the other  parent  often knows  how and when to push  buttons which inflame the  situation and  revive unpleasant memories. Understanding the  tactics  that the  other parent may employ can help the individual   to  remain focused on the issue at hand rather than flooding the discussion with non-germane matters.  If the discussion begins to  transform into an argument, the parents should agree to take a time-out  or halt  the meeting.  The passage of time often allows  tempers  to cool.  Additionally, points that appear critical in the  heat  of the argument may seem less important upon further reflection.

Parents   must   exhibit  self-control  when   engaging   in discussions about their children. While inflammatory  statements may cause temporarily satisfying reactions from the other parent, they may prevent the speaker from obtaining the result that he or she  desires.   Rather than deciding that only one outcome  to  a dispute  is  acceptable, parents should  bring several  possible outcomes  with  them  to the bargaining  table.  Polarization  is likely  if each one is willing to accept only one solution  to  a problem.   A  choice of six or eight outcomes is more  likely  to result in an agreement than two. If no solution is apparent, they should  seek advice from other divorced parents. Those  who  have worked  through similar issues may be able to provide insight  as to the pros and cons of any solutions. Brainstorming can  produce additional alternative resolutions to a situation. Parents should be  willing  to  compromise  on issues  that  are not  of  great importance  to  them.  If no  resolution  is  reached  concerning specific issues, parents should conjointly seek assistance from a counselor, mediator, or other professionals.

    5.  Do not make inappropriate statements to the child  about the dissolution. Children are sometimes privy to information that they would not hear if the parents continued to be involved  with one   another.  Divorcing  parents  often  tell  children   about financial matters or make negative statements regarding the other parent.   This  may occur because the parent has no one  else  to confide  in  or has a desire to align the child with his  or  her point of view. Children may become involved in cross-generational coalitions  and believe that they must uphold one parent's  point of  view.[

Statements are also made to children out  of  anger toward  the  other  parent.  Children  may  be  given  access  to declarations, financial documents, or child custody  evaluations. Such material is generally too complex for children to accurately interpret  and  may be upsetting or damaging for  them  to  read.   There  should be one guiding principle concerning what should  or should  not be said to a child: if the statement would  not  have been made when the parents were involved in a relationship, then the statement should not be made post-separation.  If the parents did not allow their ten year old to review their tax return, then neither  parent  should allow the eleven year old child to  do  so merely  because they have separated. If the child needs  to  hear why  the timesharing plan is changing or other information  which impacts his or her life, parents should discuss the issue  during a  family  meeting.  The  child can then  talk  to  both  parents simultaneously  and  the  parents  can  again  demonstrate  their ability to conjointly make decisions for the child's benefit.

    6. Correct the child's misperceptions about the dissolution.     An  individual's  ability to perceive and  social  cognition changes  as  he  or she moves through  infancy  and  childhood.[xv] Children will accurately or inaccurately "make sense" out of  the situation  depending  upon how they interpret  the  world.  Young children   are   egocentric  and  consequently  will   view   the dissolution  as their fault.[xvi] "If only I had made the  bed  like Mommy  told  me."   "If I had been a good boy,  Mommy  and  Daddy wouldn't  have  argued."  Parents must repeatedly  reinforce  the notion  that  the dissolution is a result of discord  within  the adult relationship, rather than any particular behavior or action by the child. 

Another  common  misperception  by children  is  that  their parents will reconcile.[xvii] Many children would rather  return  to pre-separation patterns of interaction within the family (e.g.  a high level of conflict in the adult relationship), than  continue to  have  Mom  and Dad living in  separate  homes.  Consequently, children  will interpret situations in a manner which  buttresses that  fantasy.   If  parents  sit side by  side  at  the  child's sporting  event  or  attend a parent  conference  at  the  school together, the child may conclude that reconciliation is imminent. Children  have told the author that parental reconciliation  will soon  occur even if both parents have remarried.   Children  need continued input from their parents in order to understand how the restructured  family will function. They also need to  know  that although  Mom and Dad can be civil to one another and  will  work together as a parental unit, they are not going to reconcile  and live in the same home.

A  misperception  that  is detrimental to  children  is  the notion  that they must "divorce" one parent or indeed  must  hate that  parent.  If  one parent chooses  to  terminate  the   adult relationship, the other parent may expect the child to adopt  his or her attitude (e.g. hate or anger) toward the parent who  left. That is tantamount to expecting the child to hate part of himself or  herself. Numerous authors suggest that children benefit  from maintaining  post-separation relationships with  both  parents.[xviii]   It is the parent's responsibility to accept and even promote  the necessity  of  the child's relationship with  the  other  parent. Parents  who find themselves harboring such  expectations  should seek  help  from a mental health professional in  order  to  more appropriately form and maintain boundaries.

    7.  Recognize  that  children will have a  wide  variety  of feelings

concerning the dissolution. Most  parents  can  chart a range  of  emotions  that  their children  have  displayed  following  separation.  Anger,   fear, sadness,  anxiety,  and confusion are just a few  of  the  common reactions  to parents' divorce.[xix] Children also exhibit  an  age-related  reaction  to  separation and  divorce.[xx]   Children  may internalize their feelings about the divorce.  They may act  them out at school or with their friends. The same child may exhibit a variety of feelings about the divorce on different occasions.

            While  parents are often aware of a child's  feelings,  they may  be unclear regarding how to respond to the child. First  and foremost, the parent should enable the child to verbalize his  or her  emotions.  Children may internalize their feelings  so  that parents  will  not  be  hurt  or  respond  negatively  to   their statements. Comments such as, "I'm mad at you for leaving  Daddy" are  clearly  difficult to hear.  Yet, if a child cannot  tell  a parent  how  he or she feels, who else will be there  to  listen? Acknowledging  and  validating  the  child's  feelings  is   also important. "I'm sorry that you feel Mom and I have put you in the middle. We'll try to  work things out between  ourselves from now on."  Not  only  does such a statement  acknowledge  the  child's feelings, but it also clarifies that the

parents are  responsible for correcting their own behavior.

    8.  Develop  a  consistent set  of  rules  between  parental residences. In   addition  to  compartmentalizing  their  thoughts   and feelings,  children are often expected to adhere to  a  different set  of  rules  and expectations while  in  each  parent's  home. Children  may rebel against a parent who is more  structured  and rule-oriented.   It is not uncommon to hear parents say  that  it takes  several days for the child to "readjust" to the  rules  in their  home.  This is a direct indication that the  parents have not  agreed upon a common set of rules and expectations  for the child.

Children  may  also be subjected to a  different  set  of disciplinary practices in each parental residence. Children  are sometimes  disciplined  much more harshly by one parent  for  the same infraction. Talking back to one parent may result in a time-out,  while the other parent may corporally punish the child  for the  same behavior. As noted above, children also quickly  learn whether   parents   will  consistently   enforce   each other's disciplinary  measures. If neither parent is willing  to  enforce the disciplinary terms set forth by the other parent,  there  is little reason for children to adhere to rules when they know that they will not be punished for any length of time.

    9.  Don't  expect children to "divorce" the  other  parent's  family. While many parents understand the child's need to maintain a relationship  with  the other parent, it is often  difficult  for them to extend that thought to include the other parent's family. Frequently, extended  family members  provide   emotional   or financial support to parents during the dissolution process. This can  lead  to  alliances  against the  other parent  and  bitter feelings  all around.  Pre-separation family rituals and holiday celebrations often involve grandparents and other extended family members.  Children  suffer when the parents are unable  to  agree that  such

pre-separation rituals  should  continue. Extended family  members may also have historically served as the  child's alternative  careproviders.  Children want and need  to  continue such patterns  following separation. If a child has been involved with  a parent's family prior to separation, these relationships should continue regardless of the custodial arrangement. They may help  the  child  to adjust to the new structure of  his  or  her family.

Unfortunately, adolescent children often receive the message from one parent that they can determine the  frequency and duration of contact  with  the other parent.  While  it  is  developmentally appropriate  for adolescents to seek greater autonomy,  they  are seldom ready to make decisions which may affect the rest of their lives.  Although  most parents would not allow an adolescent  to drop  out  of school, they might allow the same  child  to forgo being with the other parent for months at a time.

    A  child-focused  timesharing  plan will  also  account  for factors specific to the child and the family system. Co-parenting issues should be  addressed.  A   child's   temperament   and adaptability  should be considered when deciding  how  frequently the  child  changes  the residence where he or  she  sleeps.  The child's  individual needs should be accounted for in the plan.  A future   Olympian  should  not  be  forced  into  a timesharing arrangement  that  sacrifices  a practice schedule  in  order  to satisfy  one  parent's  need  to see the  child.   The  level  of conflict between the parents also should impact the frequency and location  of exchanges. Children from families with  an  ongoing pattern  of parental conflict should transition between homes  in conjunction with their school schedule. If frequent  face-to-face contact   with each parent is not possible, then the plan  should address  other  means by which the child can interact  with  the parent  (e.g.  telephone contact). A timesharing  plan which  is based  upon the child's needs, rather than an arbitrary  formula, is  a clear indication that the child is an important  individual rather than a possession of either parent.

    The  actions taken by parents following separation  directly impact  a child's adjustment to the restructuring of his  or  her family.  Parents must  be  introspective  and  engage  in  self-regulating behavior in order to facilitate a positive  adaptation by  the  child to the new family structure. As  Katharine  Kersey stated:  "Children are given to us - on loan - for a  very  short period of time."[xxiv] Parents should consider the impact that  their choices have on these special individuals.

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Books, Washington, D.C. Preface.

© 1998 - 1999 Susan C. Rempel, Ph.D.  All rights reserved.

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