Another Motivational Article by Dr. Susan Rempel- A Top Ten" List For Promoting A Child's Adjustment To Divorce

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Co-Parenting Article by Dr. Susan Rempel

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Co-Parenting Articles

A Top Ten" List For Promoting A Child's Adjustment To Divorce

By Susan C. Rempel, Ph.D.

Parents often do not recognize how their behavior impacts their child’s adjustment to divorce. Although experts do not necessarily agree as to the precise impact that divorce has on children[i], children are undeniably affected by the way their family is restructured and the post-separation communication patterns of their parents. Parents should be aware that the choices they make would influence their child’s adjustment to divorce.

The following is a "top ten" list which the author has presented to parents at the "Parents And Children Together" program of the Los Angeles Superior Court (Northwest and Central Districts).

1. Avoid conflict with the other parent. Ongoing conflict and animosity between the parents has serious ramifications for children. Wallerstein and Johnston noted that "Children who are part of a joint custody or frequent visitation arrangement in which there is chronic conflict between divorced parents are more likely to be emotionally, behaviorally, and socially disturbed than children in sole custody situations or those whose parents are cooperative.[Kelly noted that patterns of parental conflict before and after separation have a strong effect on a child’s post-separation adjustment. Johnston reviewed recent research concerning high-conflict divorce. She contended that post-separation parental conflict as well as the primary caretaker’s level of emotional distress were predictive of behavioral and emotional difficulties for the child and problematic parent-child relationships.[Maccoby and Mnookin noted that families who have court-imposed resolutions

are more likely to have children that demonstrate problems which are typically seen in children who are treated for emotional and behavioral disturbances than families who have agreed upon custodial arrangements.[The message to parents is clear: do not assume that children are unaware or unaffected by ongoing conflict within the family.

2. Do not involve the children in parental conflict. Parents often behave in ways which involve children in familial conflict. This includes the use of children to messenger information to the other parent. This pattern may begin with brief messages such as: "Tell your mother to pick you up at 5:30 instead of 6:00." However, the complexity and content of the messages often expand. Children are sometimes expected to remember messages which would be difficult for an adult to accurately recall and report without notes. Parents may not be aware that children remember and articulate messages based upon their cognitive abilities.[Therefore, the message which is sent by one parent is often far different from the one which is received by the other parent. Parents also sometimes send checks and documents to the other parent in the child's school backpack or suitcase. Important items may be lost or damaged because the child does not place the same level of importance on the item as does the parent. Parents should mail the check, fax the letter, or hand

deliver items such as the school pictures, but only under rare circumstances should a child be expected to serve as an intermediary or messenger.

Children of divorce may become privy to a parent's thoughts and feelings simply because the parent has no one else to talk to. They are ill equipped and unprepared to respond to a parent's emotions engendered by a divorce. It is not uncommon for children to say things about the other parent which are not necessarily true, but are what they think the parent wants to hear. Even if the statement does not seem likely, a parent who is anxious for the child to align with his or her position will accept the child's statement as factual. Children who are confronted with one parent's feelings about the other adult quickly learn that it is easy to pit parents against one another. If it is possible to have Mom and Dad disagree about childcare decisions while living with one another in the same household, consider the possibilities when they do not like each other and live apart.

Parents who are angry with each other frequently make derogatory remarks about the other parent to the child. "Doesn't your father know where to drop you off at school?" "Your mother is so stupid. No wonder she can't help you with your homework." Children will sometimes parrot such statements made by one parent about the other. Parents engage in a continuum of behavior ranging from conscious to unconscious means by which the child is brainwashed to support their position. Young children generally view their parents as all knowing and powerful. Disparaging statements call the other parent's skills and abilities into question. In many cases, insulting remarks come back to haunt the parent who uttered them. As the child begins to understand the destructive game which the parent is involved in, the child may choose to align with the parent who has not engaged in such behavior. If the parent makes negative remarks about the other parent (or his or her significant other) to the child, it is usually the child who is hurt. Parents further involve children in ongoing family conflict by expecting children to compartmentalize their lives. Children are not allowed to talk about good things that happen at the other parent's home. They cannot have pictures of the other parent in their room. A favorite toy or object cannot be taken from one parent's home to the other. Children eventually stop asking to take things to the other parent's home because they anticipate that an argument will ensue between the parents. Each of these prohibitions serves the parent's needs and is not focused on the child's best interests.

Perhaps the most damaging manner in which parents involve children in familial conflict is attempting to elicit a preference from the child as to where he or she would like to primarily reside. The author has found that the actual response to this question is that many children would like the parents to live in the same home or next door to one another. Children generally want to have a relationship with both parents. Asking them to voice a preference for either parent is akin to asking which of the child's arms or legs he or she could do without.

3. Separate marital from parental issues. A key task for parents following separation is to learn to differentiate the issues that are related to the adult relationship from those that are related to being a parent. A successful coparenting relationship is to the child's benefit.[A parent who is able to positively adjust following separation will be better equipped to help the child adapt to the restructured family. Amato commented that "Almost all studies show that children are better adjusted when the custodial parent is in good mental health and displays good child-rearing skills."[

There are many ways that parents can involve children in their anger toward the other adult. Parents will sometimes undermine the other parent's authority as a parent. Examples of such behavior include refusing to continue with discipline which is imposed by the other parent, deviating from agreed upon rules, or dismissing the other parent's parenting practices. This sends the message to children that authority figures are arbitrary and it is therefore unnecessary to adhere to accepted norms and rules.

Parents who cannot clarify the boundary between adult and parental issues often cause children undue amounts of stress. Children worry if Mom and Dad will argue during their school plays, graduation ceremonies, and other important events which occur during the course of their lives. Adults who can focus on parental issues are more likely to engage in cooperative post-separation relationships for the sake of their children. Serovich et al. noted that ambiguity in boundaries within the post-divorce family contributed to low parental involvement and poor co-parental communication. Children benefit from having both parents attend school conferences, little league games, and important ceremonies (e.g. a Bar Mitzvah, Confirmation, etc.). Parents should send artwork and report cards to the other parent rather than hoarding them as if the objects were their sole property. Although it is unrealistic to think that two adults who can no longer be involved in a relationship will be congenial and friendly to each other at all times, developing a civil relationship based on cooperation and respect will be in the child's best interests.

4. Develop a pattern which facilitates resolution of differences with the other parent. Children benefit when parents are able to resolve their differences of opinion without engaging in conflict. Camara and Resnick found that a child's adjustment to divorce is related to the level of cooperation between the parents. Numerous studies have documented the advantages of resolving child custody issues in mediation.[ The author has found that families benefit from a mediation process that addresses not only the timesharing plan, but establishes the terms of the coparenting relationship, and teaches parents a means by which to resolve future differences of opinion.

There are several factors which set the tone for preventing, minimizing, and resolving the parents' differences of opinion. Parents should establish a structured timesharing plan. Although there should be room for flexibility in such plans, parents and children experience lower tension levels when there is a plan which clarifies what, when, and how things will be done. When schedules must be change, the other parent should be given as much advance notice as possible. A request to alter the time of exchange by several hours will generally be responded to differently if the request is made two weeks rather than two hours in advance. Flexibility and cooperation are more likely responses if some justification is given for requested schedule changes.

When differences of opinion arise between parents, there are a wide variety of approaches available for reaching a resolution. Prior to discussing any area of conflict, a parent must decide not to react immediately to the other parent's statements. Unlike negotiating with a business associate, the other parent often knows how and when to push buttons which inflame the situation and revive unpleasant memories. Understanding the tactics that the other parent may employ can help the individual to remain focused on the issue at hand rather than flooding the discussion with non-germane matters. If the discussion begins to transform into an argument, the parents should agree to take a time-out or halt the meeting. The passage of time often allows tempers to cool. Additionally, points that appear critical in the heat of the argument may seem less important upon further reflection.

Parents must exhibit self-control when engaging in discussions about their children. While inflammatory statements may cause temporarily satisfying reactions from the other parent, they may prevent the speaker from obtaining the result that he or she desires. Rather than deciding that only one outcome to a dispute is acceptable, parents should bring several possible outcomes with them to the bargaining table. Polarization is likely if each one is willing to accept only one solution to a problem. A choice of six or eight outcomes is more likely to result in an agreement than two. If no solution is apparent, they should seek advice from other divorced parents. Those who have worked through similar issues may be able to provide insight as to the pros and cons of any solutions. Brainstorming can produce additional alternative resolutions to a situation. Parents should be willing to compromise on issues that are not of great importance to them. If no resolution is reached concerning specific issues, parents should conjointly seek assistance from a counselor, mediator, or other professionals.

5. Do not make inappropriate statements to the child about the dissolution. Children are sometimes privy to information that they would not hear if the parents continued to be involved with one another. Divorcing parents often tell children about financial matters or make negative statements regarding the other parent. This may occur because the parent has no one else to confide in or has a desire to align the child with his or her point of view. Children may become involved in cross-generational coalitions and believe that they must uphold one parent's point of view.[

Statements are also made to children out of anger toward the other parent. Children may be given access to declarations, financial documents, or child custody evaluations. Such material is generally too complex for children to accurately interpret and may be upsetting or damaging for them to read. There should be one guiding principle concerning what should or should not be said to a child: if the statement would not have been made when the parents were involved in a relationship, then the statement should not be made post-separation. If the parents did not allow their ten year old to review their tax return, then neither parent should allow the eleven year old child to do so merely because they have separated. If the child needs to hear why the timesharing plan is changing or other information which impacts his or her life, parents should discuss the issue during a family meeting. The child can then talk to both parents simultaneously and the parents can again demonstrate their ability to conjointly make decisions for the child's benefit.

6. Correct the child's misperceptions about the dissolution. An individual's ability to perceive and social cognition changes as he or she moves through infancy and childhood.[xv] Children will accurately or inaccurately "make sense" out of the situation depending upon how they interpret the world. Young children are egocentric and consequently will view the dissolution as their fault.[xvi] "If only I had made the bed like Mommy told me." "If I had been a good boy, Mommy and Daddy wouldn't have argued." Parents must repeatedly reinforce the notion that the dissolution is a result of discord within the adult relationship, rather than any particular behavior or action by the child.

Another common misperception by children is that their parents will reconcile.[xvii] Many children would rather return to pre-separation patterns of interaction within the family (e.g. a high level of conflict in the adult relationship), than continue to have Mom and Dad living in separate homes. Consequently, children will interpret situations in a manner which buttresses that fantasy. If parents sit side by side at the child's sporting event or attend a parent conference at the school together, the child may conclude that reconciliation is imminent. Children have told the author that parental reconciliation will soon occur even if both parents have remarried. Children need continued input from their parents in order to understand how the restructured family will function. They also need to know that although Mom and Dad can be civil to one another and will work together as a parental unit, they are not going to reconcile and live in the same home.

A misperception that is detrimental to children is the notion that they must "divorce" one parent or indeed must hate that parent. If one parent chooses to terminate the adult relationship, the other parent may expect the child to adopt his or her attitude (e.g. hate or anger) toward the parent who left. That is tantamount to expecting the child to hate part of himself or herself. Numerous authors suggest that children benefit from maintaining post-separation relationships with both parents.[xviii] It is the parent's responsibility to accept and even promote the necessity of the child's relationship with the other parent. Parents who find themselves harboring such expectations should seek help from a mental health professional in order to more appropriately form and maintain boundaries.

7. Recognize that children will have a wide variety of feelings

concerning the dissolution. Most parents can chart a range of emotions that their children have displayed following separation. Anger, fear, sadness, anxiety, and confusion are just a few of the common reactions to parents' divorce.[xix] Children also exhibit an age-related reaction to separation and divorce.[xx] Children may internalize their feelings about the divorce. They may act them out at school or with their friends. The same child may exhibit a variety of feelings about the divorce on different occasions.

While parents are often aware of a child's feelings, they may be unclear regarding how to respond to the child. First and foremost, the parent should enable the child to verbalize his or her emotions. Children may internalize their feelings so that parents will not be hurt or respond negatively to their statements. Comments such as, "I'm mad at you for leaving Daddy" are clearly difficult to hear. Yet, if a child cannot tell a parent how he or she feels, who else will be there to listen? Acknowledging and validating the child's feelings is also important. "I'm sorry that you feel Mom and I have put you in the middle. We'll try to work things out between ourselves from now on." Not only does such a statement acknowledge the child's feelings, but it also clarifies that the

parents are responsible for correcting their own behavior.

8. Develop a consistent set of rules between parental residences. In addition to compartmentalizing their thoughts and feelings, children are often expected to adhere to a different set of rules and expectations while in each parent's home. Children may rebel against a parent who is more structured and rule-oriented. It is not uncommon to hear parents say that it takes several days for the child to "readjust" to the rules in their home. This is a direct indication that the parents have not agreed upon a common set of rules and expectations for the child.

Children may also be subjected to a different set of disciplinary practices in each parental residence. Children are sometimes disciplined much more harshly by one parent for the same infraction. Talking back to one parent may result in a time-out, while the other parent may corporally punish the child for the same behavior. As noted above, children also quickly learn whether parents will consistently enforce each other's disciplinary measures. If neither parent is willing to enforce the disciplinary terms set forth by the other parent, there is little reason for children to adhere to rules when they know that they will not be punished for any length of time.

9. Don't expect children to "divorce" the other parent's family. While many parents understand the child's need to maintain a relationship with the other parent, it is often difficult for them to extend that thought to include the other parent's family. Frequently, extended family members provide emotional or financial support to parents during the dissolution process. This can lead to alliances against the other parent and bitter feelings all around. Pre-separation family rituals and holiday celebrations often involve grandparents and other extended family members. Children suffer when the parents are unable to agree that such

pre-separation rituals should continue. Extended family members may also have historically served as the child's alternative careproviders. Children want and need to continue such patterns following separation. If a child has been involved with a parent's family prior to separation, these relationships should continue regardless of the custodial arrangement. They may help the child to adjust to the new structure of his or her family.

10. Establish a child-focused parenting plan. Although last on this list, a child-focused parenting plan may be the cornerstone for the child's adjustment to his or her parent's divorce. A timesharing plan that is focused on the child's needs, rather than the parents' needs, will be reflective of the child's developmental stage. Infants and toddlers benefit from frequent and continuing contact with both parents. Families with elementary school age children should have timesharing plans that account for the child's activities.] Parents sometimes become so focused on the percentage of time that the child is with them, that the child cannot participate in sports or other activities. Again, the only one hurt in such a situation is the child.

Unfortunately, adolescent children often receive the message from one parent that they can determine the frequency and duration of contact with the other parent. While it is developmentally appropriate for adolescents to seek greater autonomy, they are seldom ready to make decisions which may affect the rest of their lives. Although most parents would not allow an adolescent to drop out of school, they might allow the same child to forgo being with the other parent for months at a time.

A child-focused timesharing plan will also account for factors specific to the child and the family system. Co-parenting issues should be addressed. A child's temperament and adaptability should be considered when deciding how frequently the child changes the residence where he or she sleeps. The child's individual needs should be accounted for in the plan. A future Olympian should not be forced into a timesharing arrangement that sacrifices a practice schedule in order to satisfy one parent's need to see the child. The level of conflict between the parents also should impact the frequency and location of exchanges. Children from families with an ongoing pattern of parental conflict should transition between homes in conjunction with their school schedule. If frequent face-to-face contact with each parent is not possible, then the plan should address other means by which the child can interact with the parent (e.g. telephone contact). A timesharing plan which is based upon the child's needs, rather than an arbitrary formula, is a clear indication that the child is an important individual rather than a possession of either parent.

The actions taken by parents following separation directly impact a child's adjustment to the restructuring of his or her family. Parents must be introspective and engage in self-regulating behavior in order to facilitate a positive adaptation by the child to the new family structure. As Katharine Kersey stated: "Children are given to us - on loan - for a very short period of time."[xxiv] Parents should consider the impact that their choices have on these special individuals.

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Books, Washington, D.C. Preface.

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